Lets back up and rephrase this.

What I am really trying to say is that I'm growing up. 

There are certain awkward phases that all of us go through. Mine just happens to be the "grow the hell up" phase. Where you're not 18 anymore. Its not new and exciting. You don't get away with the things you did anymore. When you're perfectly content sitting in a smoky garage sharing stories rather than seeing what show or party is this weekend. 

Look at me, thinking like i'm old again. 

But that's all I can do anymore. Think like an adult. 

I guess when life slaps you in the face with one crappy thing after another, that's all you can do. 

But the thing is, all of this change in myself is bringing change to everything else. 

My emotions are up the fucking wall, but thats from a variety of things. 

In a way I guess I need this. I need to rid myself of reoccurring troubles. Meaning friends, lifestyles, etc. I've realized that I'll lose friends in the process of this. That I'll have to get over eventually. 

My problem is, I don't think of others. Their feelings anyways. 

I've always been like this though. One day i'll be in a huge argument with you, the next day i'll act like it never happened. 

Basically I'm a bitch. 

At the same time, I can be the most generous person ever. 

My dad always tells me "Cortni, sometimes you need to put yourself first."

I couldn't do that if I tried. I always let someone come first. Haha

I guess I rely too much on my bitchy exterior. 

But it would be different. It would. I think one of my main issues is who I surround myself with. Not saying anything is bad about them (LOL), but I never think about my own friends. 

I had that once. But being in a relationship includes sharing, and damn it... Nick and I share everything down to socks. 

Not that I mind. I wouldn't be here without him. I need my own friends again. In a sense. 

What I mean is, I need my own clique of other vaginas I can bitch and moan to. 

Out with the old, In with the new I guess.

Who ever breaks down my walls are worth the effort in the end. 

I just need to let go of some people in order to advance with my own life.